Penny for your martyrs

There’s an infuriatingly misreported story going around now about metrification which is implying in many cases – especially on BBC TV news, the Mail and the Guardian (via PA) – that imperial-only measurements will be allowed from now on and this is some sort of victory. They’ll spin it that way but in fact this isn’t true – it’s not a victory for imperial at all (and quite rightly so), it’s simply continuing the mandate that all tradeable goods must be either metric or dual-measure, with metric primary, beyond 2009.

That’s it. The BBC news story showing some fool of a greengrocer who sells only in imperial and then tries to say that “99% of my customers ask for measurements in imperial, so why should I go metric?” (gee, maybe because you don’t have any metric signage and probably have a metric-“martyr” sign in the window) in fact is simply pointing Trading Standards his way just as much as it would have done before this ruling.

What I found even more annoying, however, was this rather credulous quote from the Guardian’s PA reprint:

Mr Chichester said: “After saving the crown on the British pint, I am happy the Conservatives have persuaded the Commission that it is good not only for international business but for the British people that traditional measurements are kept.

“I just hope there won’t be any more need for Metric Martyrs and that the Government will avoid forcing metrication down the public’s throat.”

Mr. Chichester is, of course, a Tory MEP, so we need to translate this into English. “International business” means “the USA” (who actually use a different imperial system to ours, which they hilariously call the “English system”); “the Conservatives” means “fear of the Daily Mail”; “traditional measurements” means, well, anything; “saving the crown on the British pint” means “allowing to fill up to 568ml with foam” (Euromeasures don’t include the head, so a half-litre in most of Europe has liquid filled up to a half-litre level and then head above that; so often you’ll get more beer than a “pint” over here); and “metric martyrs” means “people stuck in the past”.

(Is it just me, by the way, or doesn’t the term “metric martyr” really grate? After all, it’s what they call themselves, which by rights should disqualify them from using it. In any case, they weren’t threatened with death, just asked to buy scales which had kg printed on them – if you were really interested in providing customer choice rather than just arrogantly imposing your ignorance, you’d have dual-measure scales anyway.)

In fact, metrication is happening anyway over time. Electronic appliances print degrees C rather than Fahrenheit or gas marks and supermarkets have switched completely for the most part (with the exception of Tesco’s 454g mince, but even that only prints the amount of grams) because most people born after the 60s actually don’t understand very much imperial – certainly I don’t, I work in metres, degrees C and Kelvin, litres and ml and kg, I print on A4. I use decimal points and scientific notation, which gives enough accuracy for anyone. I only use inches for measuring computer screen diagonals, and that’s just because it’s still printed on the box; I drink in pints because that’s what my pub sells.

Working with scientific data as I do, I don’t see how the imperial system would make any sense for anything, but it’s what people were taught for a long time and I accept that; but people haven’t been taught it for a while. This EU decision is the right one; by not forcing the time of imperial’s death, it will in fact allow it to happen quietly, as opposed to noisily when the deadline comes. It’s just a shame it’s being reported as yet another yah-boo-Europe-sucks story instead of what it really is, but then the EU is always so prone to misinterpretation.

Also on this subject: Europhobia’s fine piece.

A prediction based on the evidence

So the election results are in and the only possible coalition seems to be the SNP, the Lib Dems and the Greens, and that gives a majority of two if you toss in Margo McDonald. (We’ll discount the Tories because, well, they’re the Tories and in reality they probably won’t want to help either Labour or the SNP.) The LDs have already rejected a SNP coalition, but I wouldn’t be surprised if they turned turtle after a bunch of concessions; but even then, the Greens might be a very hard act to keep happy. So what are the rules here?

Scotland Act 1998 Section (3): Extraordinary general elections

(1) The Presiding Officer shall propose a day for the holding of a poll if-

    (a) the Parliament resolves that it should be dissolved and, if the resolution is passed on a division, the number of members voting in favour of it is not less than two-thirds of the total number of seats for members of the Parliament, or
    (b) any period during which the Parliament is required under section 46 to nominate one of its members for appointment as First Minister ends without such a nomination being made.

Hmm. Looking at Section 46, we find

Scotland Act 1998 Section (46): Choice of the First Minister

(3) The period allowed is the period of 28 days which begins with the day on which the event in question occurs; but-

    (a) if another of those events occurs within the period allowed, that period shall be extended (subject to paragraph (b)) so that it ends with the period of 28 days beginning with the day on which that other event occurred, and
    (b) the period shall end if the Parliament passes a resolution under section 3(1)(a) or when Her Majesty appoints a person as First Minister.

So this means that if no-one can get their act together by May 31st, we’re having the election all over again. And since this is Scottish politics we’re talking about, I think that’s actually quite likely unless, somehow, all goes well in the negotiations.

And combining this with the voting screwups, I think it’s probably the least worst option too, but what do I know?

Why, the incompetent…

There’s been a long-running saga regarding the use of a website with which junior doctors are forced to apply for the medical specialisations they will remain in for the rest of their working lives. Not only has the government screwed up by actually banning the site from knowing, you know, the qualifications of the applicant, but this website is horrendously designed, known to be somewhat crashy, and it turns out is full of security holes. Channel Four have been revealing one a day.

So it’s only the latest in the long-running saga of this government using unaccountable independent contractors to do the IT work that the Civil Service should be doing and getting kicked in the balls again and again and again – as if the various disasters at the Child Support Agency, EDS’s NHS cash-sink, the tax credits system, the Passport Agency and much much more never counted for anything at all. The contractors responsible for this, according to the Google cache of the MTAS site, are “Methods Consulting Ltd and Jobsite UK (Worldwide) Ltd”; Methods’ website is, surprise surprise, flashy and devoid of content.

This is funny. The situation, however, is not – there’s no other way to apply for a training post now other than to use MTAS, despite the fact that it would probably be easier and cheaper for everyone to go back to writing a hundred different covering letters. Sad, isn’t it?

Update: And you can’t blame Microsoft for this either… Apache 1.3.37 on Linux. Just to show that you can screw up anything on any operating system. Oddly, the site appears to be hosted on the contractor’s own netblock rather than a UK government one, which I would have thought would be a no-no for anything sensitive like, you know, NHS job applications, but hey…

Just stop it

Every time you get a school shooting in the States that makes big news you get the Jack Thompson and worse “media experts” coming out of their swamps to opine on how video games/violent movies/role-playing games/comic books/the Internet/Satan caused the incident instead of the guy that fired the gun. This always seems to me to be a bit of an overreaction.

The current blame target in development is Chan-Wook Park’s brilliant “Oldboy“, a Korean thriller that won the Grand Jury Prize at Cannes a few years ago and remains one of the best films I’ve seen at a film festival. Apparently since one of the photographs in said guy’s dossier resembles a promotional image for the film, that means the film must be responsible – never mind that he apparently doesn’t mention it anywhere else. This is on the AP newswire. This has been referred to by the New York Times.

And they haven’t seen the damned movie. The entire point of “Oldboy” is that violence doesn’t help anyone – it simply screws both the perpetrator and victim, which is demonstrated throughout the film. It is not a Steven Seagal movie for the arthouse crowd, it’s much more than that. But because most people seem to think that a film with subtitles isn’t worth watching for themselves, they’ll believe whatever their media outlets tell them about it, which is why they should actually be responsible. However, with outlets like Fox out there, that doesn’t seem to be very likely:

Fox News - as subtle as ever

Not a Photoshop. Real. Including the bit about how he was probably possessed by the devil. Wow, that’s really responsible reporting right there, although I think Fox is aiming at the wrong target – we all know from Mark Kermode (a truly reliable source) that the only thing that actually is possessed by the devil is Marlon Wayans’ Little Man.

No. Just stop it. Surely we can’t be that thick. Surely. Happily, most of the commenters on Fark are shredding the “Oldboy did it” crapola with relish – if only we can say the same for the rest of the population.

This had better be an April fool

Because otherwise, it’s both deeply worrying and deeply ignorant:

Official: BBC is too upmarket (The Observer, 1st April 2007)

…Lower-income families, particularly those in the north of England and Scotland, are less likely to watch digital channels such as BBC3, which is aimed at a sophisticated twentysomething audience, or tune in to BBC4’s high-brow output. By contrast, many higher-income groups make good use of a wide range of services, including Radio 4 and News24, and are better placed to take advantage of new ones – listening to podcasts or downloading programmes over the internet…

How patronising is that? Apparently, “lower-income families” (and how godawful a term is that?) only want to watch shit, and only “higher-income groups” want to listen to Radio 4. The BBC is apparently only serving the upper classes by providing programmes which aren’t shit. Therefore, the Observer concludes, the BBC should be making more awful Test the Nation, hiring more shock-jock Moyles wannabes and putting yet more controversy in EastEnders.

What absolute bollocks. Never mind that someone who doesn’t earn much might, honest to God, actually like listening to Humphreys et al – it’s every stupid class assumption crammed into a single statement. Quality television should, of course, be for everyone, but generally it is for everyone – subscription channels in the UK have pretty much always been lowest common denominator. The BBC already makes a lot of downmarket rip-off TV; Greg Dyke recently admitted that he was wrong to commission Fame Academy, for example. It does not need more.

[A possible April Fool-sign, however, is the mention of the BBC making shows like Dancing on Ice – which was of course ITV’s rink-based Strictly Come Dancing ripoff – but that just might be a missed subbing.]

The mention of BBC3 as being a quality channel is worthy of a laugh, however; its attempts at comedy are miserable and it’s filled with repeats of Two Pints of Lager (a downmarket programme if there actually is such a thing.) It’s either too arch or too downmarket and that’s where it goes wrong. And EastEnders is doing badly because right now it’s unrelentingly grim when compared to Coronation Street, which is able to mix dark and funny storylines correctly and smartly; adding another controversial character is just going to continue the decline. And Today gets almost as many listeners as Chris Moyles, and Wogan gets more than either (just under 8m listeners on the latest Rajar, compared to 6.2m for Today and 6.8m for Moyles.)

Of course, what the BBC does very well is TV that appeals to a wide range of the population. Would Doctor Who be as good or successful right now if it wasn’t aimed at the public as a whole? Would Top Gear be liked by people like me if it wasn’t funny? No and no. Yet this article suggests changing what doesn’t really need to be changed; what needs to be changed is the perception of things like BBC Four, not actually dumbing anything down. (If anything, some of the corporation needs to be smartened up – especially the people who recommission Test the Nation.)

There’s a place for elitism just as there is a place for EastEnders – both types of programming obviously appeal to different people – and the lowest common denominator is always a bad place to be. And yet if this article is true, the BBC could be making serious decisions based on the findings of a review which seems to be taking the idea that the BBC needs to go even further downmarket than it already is – and, let me remind you, there’s a police-based Casualty spinoff in the offing. Oh dear.

Feud of the year?

From the BBC: “Bloc Party blast ‘stupid’ Oasis“.

Rock group Oasis have “made stupidity hip”, according to the lead singer of indie band Bloc Party.

Lead singer Kele Okereke hit back after Liam Gallagher said Bloc Party were “a band off University Challenge”.

Okereke told Uncut magazine: “Why is it bad to better yourself? It is really daft to reinforce the idea that there is something cool about being dumb.”

Gallagher made his remarks in the NME two years ago, when he also called the Scissor Sisters “weirdos on stilts”.

Yes: two years ago. That’s some resentment building up there.

The thing is, though, Kele Okereke does have a point about the encouragement of dumb, but Oasis are the wrong target really; Pete Doherty would be the right target. I’ve used many of the same arguments against Oasis before, especially the one about their constantly infuriating Beatles comparisons, but they’re really not the problem anymore in the same way that Razorlight et al are; besides, they made two decent but highly overrated albums, which is more than Bloc Party have so far (with two patchy but highly overrated albums). Despite this, however, he gets a perfect little barb in:

Okereke responded by saying Oasis were “overrated”, although he admitted the University Challenge comment was “quite funny”.

“It probably would have been a lot more funny had he not used exactly the same words to describe Travis a couple of years ago,” he added.

Oh, yes. Now this is a rock feud to watch out for – the Gallaghers against someone who actually knows how best to insult them. Watch this space.

Why I hate telemarketers

I have an ex-directory phone number. I have this for two reasons – one that I had a very unpleasant stalking experience while living in university accommodation that I’d rather not repeat (this is also why I try and maintain some form of Internet anonymity) and the other is that I cannot stand telemarketers and would like to make it as hard as possible for them to get my information. It worked for a couple of years too.

I am generally polite with call centre workers for the most part because I know the kind of work they’re doing is hard and nasty and completely unappreciated; it’s not their fault that they have to follow Virgin Media’s “Cable Modem Diagnosis for Morons” script sheet whenever I call up, and at least the Indian call centre workers are generally polite if useless. (Top tip: if you know what you’re talking about, go to the USENET support.broadband groups, where there are technicians around who know how their network actually works.)

I see no obligation, however, to be polite to telemarketers. Telemarketers are taking up your time. They invade your privacy. They feel entitled to force themselves on you; they’re just the same as spammers, stalkers, script kiddies and fundamentalists. I can appreciate that it is not the call centre operatives who make four-second silent calls to my phone line who are at fault here, that they’re just doing what their bosses and their computer systems tell them to, but I feel no remorse when I tell them that I don’t answer telemarketing calls and put the phone down before they can respond.

All the calls I seem to get right now are survey calls. I’ve had ICM and MORI, one of whom on being told I was ex-directory told me they got my number from a random number generator. Obviously that’s how it started; once out the random generator, it got sold on as a positive lead. I’ve had people who just say “we’re doing market research”, as I just had half an hour ago. I’ve had recorded messages telling me that I’ve won stuff and to dial 0901 SCAMMER. I’ve never asked to be put on a list; I don’t want to be on any telemarketing lists, I cannot stand being interrupted by some scumbag who wants to persuade me to buy New Tory, Let’s Try Harder or whatever it is they’re actually trying to sell me.

If telemarketing was as ethical an industry as those who promote it claim it to be, they would stop making silent calls, stop the use of recorded messages, stop calling people who plainly don’t want to be called, and stop selling number lists. But they won’t do that, even though by not calling people who don’t want to be called will decrease annoyance factor for people like me and increase the number of actual takers of telemarketed products, because they want to annoy me. They sincerely believe that by calling someone a hundred times they might pay up to make them go away. That’s why telemarketing simply cannot be ethical; because no-one really wants to be sold to on demand. It’s exploiting those who simply don’t know how to say no, the elderly in particular.

I thought I’d said no pretty strongly by having an unlisted number, ticking the DON’T SELL MY DETAILS box on the electoral register and being forthright with those who call me. But they simply cannot be reasoned with.

Which is why the fact that the telemarketing industry is allowed to run their own regulator (the DMA) is extremely worrying – no wonder silent calls and recorded messages aren’t dealt with. The do-not-call register – the Telephone Preference Service, or TPS – is run by the DMA, and expires your number off every so often; what’s more, this means that if you register the telescum have your number on a list which might as well marked “IN 12 MONTHS, YOU CAN CALL THIS DUMBASS AS MUCH AS YOU LIKE”. But quite frankly it’s the only option I have left to stop the deluge of marketing calls.

The good news is that as Jon Ronson pointed out in this Guardian article, 100,000 of us are signing up every week, too many to ignore. And this will kill the telemarketing industry. Do it.

The best news I’ve heard for a while

ITV Play has been axed. YES!

Now if all the other quiz channels will go the same way, maybe we can have some decent late-night TV for the first time since every single commercial channel decided that they would be better off conning their viewers instead. We’ve already had music videos on the Hits and TMF after midnight, which is a great improvement (especially on TMF, which has otherwise turned itself into the Ally McBeal-and-Cribs channel) – now, hopefully that’ll become permanent.

See, the threat of Ofcom is good for something after all; things will be even better if they slap down Sky over their DTT subscription scheme and the Virgin Media fracas. Here’s hoping.

Terry Gilliam gets screwed over again

The guy just can’t get a break, can he? He really has suffered too much for his art over the years – the Brazil experience (which ended up resembling something straight out of the film itself) would probably have finished off a lesser director, and then when you take into account the lack of funding he’s experienced when compared to people like Brett Ratner or Tim Story or Len Wiseman or Paul WS Anderson who seem to have cash just thrown at them I wonder exactly how he keeps going. Hell, even Uwe Boll seems to get more funding than TG does nowadays, and everyone agrees his movies suck.

Come on, pan-and-scanning a film to 16:9 is simply unacceptable, especially when it’s a film by a director like Terry Gilliam who knows exactly what he wants in his frame and where (and where to use an idiosyncratic aspect ratio). I thought we’d got past the days of pan and scan by now, in this age of DVD as standard and HD on the horizon, but it seems that it lingers in the independent sector. The one bright spot here, oddly, is that this issue appears to affect only the US and some Canadian editions – the British edition has the Gilliam-approved master, and apparently so does at least one of the available R3s, so American TG fans are now working out where they can buy a multiregion player. Welcome to our world.

“Idiocracy”: Truth? Justice? Absolutely no way.

There’s no corporate manoeuvre from the last year more depressing than that given by 20th Century Fox to Mike Judge’s future-imperfect comedy Idiocracy.

Fox has had the complete film for years – the copyright date in the end credits is 2005, and principal photography was actually 2003/4 – but has consistently refused to release it, eventually relenting late last year and allowing it to be seen on 150 screens in the US with no promotion whatsoever, simply to fulfil the contract demanding a cinematic release. Apparently they blame this on poor focus groups, this from the studio that gave us without comment Big Momma’s House 2, and nothing whatsoever to do with the corporate criticism (including of Fox News itself) contained within. There has been no foreign release, although there is a suggestion on IMDB’s UK website that it’s going to go straight to DVD. You can currently buy the Region 1 release through it.

This film is just too good for that. Curious about it from the stories I’d seen from the States, and with no way I could have seen it legally, I discovered it on a “certain” website and decided to give it a go. The version “out there” appears to be sourced from the Region 1 DVD, which I’d highly recommend buying. I’m certainly going to; DVD buying brought back Family Guy, is about to bring back Futurama, and made Judge’s previous Office Space (also badly treated theatrically) into a cult classic. The fact that these are all Fox produced shows… well, something.

Review follows (with MILD SPOILER WARNING) after the break.

Continue reading ““Idiocracy”: Truth? Justice? Absolutely no way.”